Anger as Alchemy

October reflection + an invitation

After a day of brooding and failing to find even the simplest of Halloween costume, I meet E. at a neighourhood spot before heading to the city for a show. We get gin drinks and laugh at the fact we’ve both been angry. She’s been angry for her delayed reaction to change, while I’m angry about taking so long to make the changes I want to make, despite my clarity around how capable I am to make them.

Anger isn’t something I deal with often; when I get angry, I am usually seething, immediately seeking marathon activities to redirect the energy out of my body. I walk for a very long time, or commit myself to making a big drawing or starting long book. I exhaust myself so the anger does not appear in my dreams, so it does not leave a crease on my face. I’m often jealous of people who can express anger with such ease; who are articulate in their anger, who are sure, using it as a reason for grand gesture. I advocate for anger as catalysts for revolution; the best art comes out of revolution. But when it becomes my own anger, I’m quick to displace the power.

I try to diffuse myself once again, but it doesn’t work. Instead, my incessant fire roars back at me, pushing me into action: walking five miles a day, not looking at my phone, going out deep in the night, listening to a lot of loud music, a lot of reading, smoking spliffs, making lists, reorganising my things, performing poetry, befriending strangers, applying to grad school, completing projects, asking bold questions, decorating myself in silver and gold, wearing heavy eye makeup on a Tuesday night just because.

It is evident to me now that the anger sprouting along my path is source material for the alchemy I’m being called to practice. I’ve foraged it all, carrying it through the doorway to my psyche. Red as poppies and just as potent as their opium breath, this anger is exactly what I need to confront the face of shadows; a task I’ve been putting off for way too long.

Starting tomorrow, I will begin a process of self-examination, with focus on the darker parts of myself, through the support of the Tarot. Each day, for seventy-eight days, I will pull a card and reflect on its symbolism and message through the lens of my own shadows.

This is a practice my dear friend and fellow creatrix, Mack, and I have conjured up as means of deepening our relationship with the Tarot, alongside the quest of further self-understanding. That said, we are opening this practice up for anyone who is interested:

I am looking forward to seeing what arises with this practice. I will be sharing some thoughts along the way on here as well xx

other things:

• I host a monthly artist salon at Flower Cat in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. This month’s salon: Surrealist Game Night Wednesday, November 19, 7:30pm

• alongside reading cards twice monthly at Flower Cat, I am taking virtual appointments again. If you’re interested, you can fill out this form

• if you missed it: a collective reading for Scorpio Season

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